This is just probably just going to sound like rambling on but it's on my mind and it won't go away.
So I happened to be interested in someone (still kinda am) and they appeared to be interested in me. I find out later that they already have someone and have been with them for 2 plus years. I felt so many emotions all at once when I learned that. I still have emotions about all of it. It's not like I can just remove them from my life. I have to see them every day.
I went a lot of places with this in my head. I thought okay so maybe I read it wrong. Maybe they only talked to me because they love my dog. Where she went, I did too. Then I thought okay that's dumb, why would anyone do that? If they did, then I'm better off. My brain plays all kinds of weird tricks on me is the best way I can describe it. Then I went to a place that was sort of dark. I thought there is no way any one let alone someone 10 years younger (yes that's right they are younger than I am) would ever be interested in me. I do not stand out as someone anyone would want. I'm always the best friend. It never changes. Why I thought I had potentially finally found someone, I don't know. Now I am working very hard to move on. I'm trying very hard not to care but inside I do. I am screaming! WHY?
This person is totally the kind of person I am looking for. I know that no one is perfect including myself. But it would have fit. Now I think to myself, this person will never see me as anything else other than that girl over there. I am non-existent. I know that because they already have someone it really doesn't matter but at the time I did not know that. I would never come between two people. I wouldn't want it done to me and I definitely wouldn't do it to someone else.
I guess maybe it was nice (for the time and even if it wasn't) feeling that I was wanted. I thought that maybe I could be that someone that another would love. I don't understand it. I just don't. It makes me very sad. I was talking to a friend and they told me that this person probably doesn't even realize what is going on. They don't know how I feel or what is going on in my head (obviously not) and I'm not going to tell them or even hint at it. I'm frustrated!
I had another really emotional event that has brought me to my knees. I am heartbroken. Almost 2 weeks ago I had to make the tough decision and put my dog down. Her kidney disease progressed to the point where her quality of life was gone. I miss her everyday. I find myself still talking to her or thinking 'Oh I have to do this for her" and then I realize that I don't have to now. I feel very lost right now. It's like I'm in a bad dream that I don't wake up from. She was my best friend. She always knew when I wasn't feeling well. I miss her snuggles. Two days after that dreadful day, people asked me if I was going to get another dog. First of all, it's been two days and second, I don't want another dog, I want her! I know that some who have been in the same situation as me have said that getting another dog helped them to heal. I am not ready for that. There will never be another one like her.
As you can see, I am a horrible mess.
I am trying to stay away from this person as much as I can so I can move on. Plus I am trying to heal after loosing my dog. It has been a rough year.
Until next time ....
#emotional #raw #justme #missmydog
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