Wednesday, 28 June 2017

Emotional - Totally Raw and Honest

Hey Guys!

This is just probably just going to sound like rambling on but it's on my mind and it won't go away.

So I happened to be interested in someone (still kinda am) and they appeared to be interested in me.  I find out later that they already have someone and have been with them for 2 plus years.  I felt so many emotions all at once when I learned that.  I still have emotions about all of it.  It's not like I can just remove them from my life.  I have to see them every day.

I went a lot of places with this in my head.  I thought okay so maybe I read it wrong.  Maybe they only talked to me because they love my dog.  Where she went, I did too.  Then I thought okay that's dumb, why would anyone do that?  If they did, then I'm better off.  My brain plays all kinds of weird tricks on me is the best way I can describe it.  Then I went to a place that was sort of dark.  I thought there is no way any one let alone someone 10 years younger (yes that's right they are younger than I am) would ever be interested in me.  I do not stand out as someone anyone would want.  I'm always the best friend.  It never changes.  Why I thought I had potentially finally found someone, I don't know.  Now I am working very hard to move on.  I'm trying very hard not to care but inside I do.  I am screaming!  WHY?

This person is totally the kind of person I am looking for.  I know that no one is perfect including myself.  But it would have fit.  Now I think to myself, this person will never see me as anything else other than that girl over there.  I am non-existent.  I know that because they already have someone it really doesn't matter but at the time I did not know that.  I would never come between two people.  I wouldn't want it done to me and I definitely wouldn't do it to someone else.

I guess maybe it was nice (for the time and even if it wasn't) feeling that I was wanted.  I thought that maybe I could be that someone that another would love.  I don't understand it.  I just don't.  It makes me very sad.  I was talking to a friend and they told me that this person probably doesn't even realize what is going on.  They don't know how I feel or what is going on in my head (obviously not) and I'm not going to tell them or even hint at it.  I'm frustrated!

I had another really emotional event that has brought me to my knees.  I am heartbroken.  Almost 2 weeks ago I had to make the tough decision and put my dog down.  Her kidney disease progressed to the point where her quality of life was gone.  I miss her everyday.  I find myself still talking to her or thinking 'Oh I have to do this for her" and then I realize that I don't have to now.  I feel very lost right now.  It's like I'm in a bad dream that I don't wake up from.  She was my best friend.  She always knew when I wasn't feeling well.  I miss her snuggles.  Two days after that dreadful day, people asked me if I was going to get another dog.  First of all, it's been two days and second, I don't want another dog, I want her!  I know that some who have been in the same situation as me have said that getting another dog helped them to heal.  I am not ready for that.  There will never be another one like her.

As you can see, I am a horrible mess.  

I am trying to stay away from this person as much as I can so I can move on.  Plus I am trying to heal after loosing my dog.  It has been a rough year.

Until next time ....

#makeupnnailsgal

#emotional #raw #justme #missmydog


2 comments:

  1. Aww, I just want to give you a great BIG hug. You are so very strong for sharing here. I hope that writing your feelings helped you to get on the right path for healing. You poor thing. I'm so very sorry you are going through this. <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Kylie. It's been a struggle but writing definitely has helped. I still have feelings on the one topic but am working very hard to move on.

    ReplyDelete

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